Borrowed words

Stark truth...loved it!!

If you forget me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

~ Pablo Neruda

its been a while. and somehow wasn't exactly compelled to put anything down. that tells something. was ruing over the fact, how I can view myself so objectively these days. Its like I step out, and look me over, sometimes with disdain and at times with a slight tinge of pride! whatever, the thing is its weird at times too, that I get to appraise myself and pat myself on doing a good job. the truth is, the sad truth is im beginning to be a proper person! not being my quirky impy self! the part seems to be going through a slow degeneration process...i catch sight of it, at times. like i can say the last sighting was on ....stuff! hmm... evolution i guess, a layer comes off, and you don another...ve been watching these nat. geo specials..and love it, and hence the biological reference too. catch myself smiling, when i imagine a refined, dignified, bespectacled, person with a dash of elan and grace...going about her job methodically(!!!), not bad i would think!!

These rounded figures with colours orange, green and grey seems to play havoc at times with the mind. Remarkable, the power of imagination, suggestion, expectation....

At a stage, when looking at my kids, wonder what would they turn out to be?! Our parents must ve wondered too, and right now what I feel is a sense of foreboding even at times; i mean its really a miracle at work, the process of a being, being built, sculpted, etched, moulded and to arrive, if not finally, at something you refer to as a 'fully-grown' individual!! And its strange how the work of genes come into play, springing up surprises, sometimes pleasant and sometimes not. You can't actually predict, the 'outcome' with a vague blue print you think you hold in your hand! Even leads me to believe that inspite of being our flesh and blood, their mind, their whims, their fancies and yes their feelings can never be a replica of ours, and its insane to harbour such hopes, that seem to raise its hood from within! Yes, reminded of Gibran's quotes, "Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,..." which seems to quell or hush my incomprehensible misgivings for a while, and instill a sense of peace and sublimation; but, yes there is this niggling fear, if and when they turn out to be strangers, its gonna hurt, real bad! ofcourse they definitely will be, in phases, and just hope the phases are not long!
Whoa! What a depressing bemoaning what-might-happen-n-if-it-does-o-what-shall-i-do scenario! But guess, we women do indulge in it once in a while, trying to put things in perspective, ofcourse what is to be done for the next hour can wait, this HAS to be thought over! And actually it all started out from a sad but stark truth, my younger one needs massive cajoling to read, a truth that seems to jeer or rather sneer at me from behind dark curtains every night!!

love these songs from Once upon a time...Pee loon and tum jo aaye. Haunting music...not the best of all times slot, still...could add on the O bekhabar too..lilting swaying stuff against the raunchy extremely loud but rockable nevertheless...jor ka jatkha!!

this and that...

Has been a hectic period and few more days left off it! Routine broken, things in a disarray (not that they are picture perfect all the while!), mind juggling chores on the never ending to-do list, and the back of the mind yearning for a slower duller mundane day! Anyways, no major complaints, coz its fine, and I for one, cannot survive without my dose of my-time, and MY indulgences, come what may!! Without which there would be a major shutdown, which leads me to wonder how some can go on, selflessly, not bitten by the 'take the time-out, now' bug, for hours, days and years!! Its all in the mind or its in the chromosomes, am not sure. definitely mine screams for it, once the self-set threshold is crossed!

Have been beset by tears more often; seems to be awaiting, to spill over, or the sacs' muscular retention power seems to have diminished over years, or just going soft in the head! no there hasnt been any public or rather displays at all, just the 'silent ones'. sounds rather dramatic. its not.

there was this upsurge of poetry momentarily, just before sleepdom took over; thought shall put it up, but struck by a rare notion, ve shelved it, to be expressed later, if at all the need arises, personally!

Came across this video about 'language' and found it interesting!

touchwood

in a stupor, that seems to last
in a haze, that lures me on
through meadows green and beaten paths
a slowish walk, can almost see the golden pot;

the journey so far, sure has been fine
and when it halts, will find me entwine
the real and the surreal all in a mess,
seems strange but for now, think am blessed!

yes tiny tremors, and flips of the heart exist
but nonchalantly and condescendingly i resist;
the stream flows on in its placid mode, i like.
with tiny gurles and babbles do hope to survive.

Poetry

Found myself pondering on the fact or rather the status quo, of going along or cruising in sheer prose, with few stray moments of missing the poetry part. Mebe only after it was snuffed out; with the awakening of few bitter truths, like poetry is never real, and all that it ever does is lead you nowhere.Yes prose is fine, takes you places, gets things done, keeps you grounded and sane and normal. Things under control. Stable. Peaceful.
But, when there is going to be a slight nudge or mebe a swerve, when I will find myself taking a small but sure step into the bylane, to take a sip, taste the titilating, tingling wine, and drench myself with fanciful flights of fantsy, aah..and then at that moment will step in poetry! :) When the moment does hit me, if at all.
glad im able to step out, while i can! relieved to find myself sober, even at the cost of sounding a bit stuffy! And yes eloquent prose is, and can be as beautiful and as real as can be.

A strange thing happened with regard to 'relationships', and it sort of shook me a bit. Well, a close (assumed, perhaps) friendship, which had been built and savoured the past 3 years, had a bolt, when she just refused to answer calls!! My this was like way beyond my limited imagination or responding resources! I mean, what do you do? We arent kids or teens; And how can you just wipe it all off, in one big swipe??!! and for what? Have or rather had been racking my blessed brains and memory searching for instances which might have triggered this off. Left with none; or is my memory dwindling fast? Whatever, to tell the truth still in a slightly suspended state of shock and surprise, as to how we take so much for granted!!!sigh! And made me realise that yes, we still are social animals, however hard we try to tell ourselves or rather myself that I am not tied up too much in any relationship, and i take things easy, end up being slammed with the actual truth!!

Addendum
the mist was cleared up, (or so i think!) and was suffused once again with a strange feeling. i mean this entire episode has given rise to many unforeseen queries within myself! ofcourse about self-worth, values, interactions, its huge influence, the need for comradeship, need for just plain girl talk, actually missing someone after a longish while, missing coz u begin to miss parts of you; bottom line being...comfort of a good friend, a real one, with no tags or frills attached, is irreplacable! n ure a gonner if u happen to be in the dumps, sans the comfort!! and this is enlightment, come unwarranted!!!

This and that...

Missed out on the finals! And ofcourse wanted Djokovic to win! :) Anyhow, give the devil its due...Well loved the tournament this time around. After a longish while got to see some of the matches, and loved every minute of it. Was left to wonder how or why one is riveted to this game where two individuals just happen to hit, to and forth an insignificant object, while we are left to hold our breath each time it whizzes or crashes past those white parallel, perpendicular white lines, marvelling at the speed, angle, dexterity, and audacity of the shots! And the sudden flash of the Indian-Pakistan duo, wow, was so heartwarming and a strange feeling, seeing them out there, and what a game, gave one the goosebumps! Also took me back, those years, when i used to be glued to the TV, backing or religiously rooting for Ivan Lendl, Mats Wilander, Boris Becker, Stefan Edberg, Andre Agassi, Steffi Graff, Gabriella Sabatini and a few more..And after such a long gap being able to absolutely relish the essence of the game almost with the same intensity, was so surprising and comforting too!


Got to see some snatches of movies, like, The Reader, G.I.Jane, Cast Away, Hum Raaz(!), Serendipity,ye tera ghar...and sections of it making a mark somewhere, somehow; watched The Duchess, the entire movie and loved it, loved keira knightley, has done a terrific job i would think.

Was doing some impromptu counselling, related to newly-weds problems!! And caught myself stating how, as years go by you more or less get what youve always wanted to, but it takes time and loads of patience. I think men too go through these cycles of finding and losing and finding again one's 'self'. For women the cycles are a bit too long at times, and a bit too strenuous too! And aptly enough going through a phase of 'ok, im this, and this and this..mebe a little bit of this too..mebe not..', urgh!!!

Dusk

Twilight (as just plain twilight) whizzed past, and as always evoked some poetry, but with time, left with words - lost or mangled or distorted. broken pieces of thoughts and feelings, just a vague memory -the moment. the residue thought being why is this transient phase, twilight, so breathtakingly beautiful, inspite of its sombre and bordering-on-gloomy backdrop?! dawn and twilight draw their beauty more so from the fact that, they are and fleetingly ephemeral?!; life being life, the times which constitute 'twilight' is beautiful coz, it brings into focus the beauty that is left, to be relished and cherished before the 'shutdown'?! Love them for whatever they are...

didnt want to watch the hindi version(raavan, somehow convinced that ab w/couldnt have done justice) and didn't, but did get to hear the songs; k theyre alright! but behne de pales before the intoxicating tamil version usure poguthe...ofcourse u have to follow the lyrics to be sozzled in them!

will miss the riot of green, the cacaphony of sounds, the awesome semblance of order in disorder, the intermingling of fauna and flora in everyday life, smells of yesteryears, pocketed memories in scribbled pages, and sondha mannin vaasanai (apni mitti ki khushboo)...ofcourse home is where the heart is..and yes home yonder beckons..but, the tug tightens each time...

slice of life

A dentist visit on your own, or travel by road or rail, gives you ample time for retrospection, and it appears to hit you like a bolt. i mean youre suddenly caught unawares, by some soul searching, without the usually required intense turmoils or upheavals. And of course, music definitely helps! Was listening to Lagaan after a longish while, and just few days earlier caught the movie, most of it. Music is awesome, i mean complete, perfect. Couldnt ask for more. Movie too, sensitive, righteous, evokes all positive emotions, and the right amount of anger and indignation, arouses a heave of pride and joy; a totally feel-good movie. created with such meticulous care and empathy i would think. And the movie somehow reminded me of someone from the past, as if the whole movie was an embodiment of that person. And it was a sudden flash when it occured, enroute a long car drive across terrains close to my heart. The thought that fragments left behind by some,stay, for life. And these fragments makes us all the more unique, these fragments forming their own mosaic within ourselves evolving into a pattern, at different points of our life, when it all seem to fit like pieces of a puzzle, revealing a beautiful vista, captured and treasured. And these instances, seems to reveal the true self, which is so oft shrouded and morphed and as good as lost along our journey...

Why do the shutters go up and down?
What was thought to be lost is it found?
Familiar scenes and words, that edges me
To pen down strained lines, called poetry.

Peep you can , but not for long
Its for a while don get me wrong.
Show is open for fixed hours
For no known reason or cause.

Left fumbling with no eloquent words
Staring sadly n starkly at closed doors.
I am what i am, and nothings eva changed
But things that hurt, leaves me deranged.

doobo is mein...

ooooh!!! love this ad...cant seem to get enuf of it!! started with the haunting titilltating music, and has had me hooked on for the past few weeks!!

dead end...sorts

quit. at work place. had to do it. repercussions are looming large, but have brushed them aside for a while. somehow feel such things happen in a predetermined preordained chain of events. had been feeling lowish for some time now, and nothing seemd to happen that would/could lift my spirits and then it had to culminate in this... self worth get its jolts and boosts, along the journey of life, and this is one juncture, where my self worth came into harsh scrutiny and had to shake myself free of the worth-factor dumped by others, and emerge with a clear and defined picture of self. Not sure where i go on from here...but well, take it as it comes, and yes its going to be tough, have to battle it out..

flashback

as the strains of the song, floated by, was carried to a distant place, moment, where memories seems so fresh, green!! the melody seemed to seize me and flush me with those very emotions that i was doused in seems-like eons back. caught me by complete surprise the strength and intensity of those i'd-thought forgotten feelings. the flash of the mobile when the world around was deep in slumber, the surprise call midway through dinner, the loong wait that late morning, after a late late night call, the swerve taken and the fear that gripped the occupants of the fida, the only song that was hummable, in the long playlist, the limp goodbye, the crazy days, the crazy events, the crazy me...was it me??! so these things can never be erased, become an integral part of you, the inner you, where a very few have been let in, the real you!!

kasoor kya hain??
jus not fair...

As I feel the cool breeze,

Brush past me;

Sense a stirring within,

Of a distant dream.

To feel, when you’ve

almost forgotten;

Hear the beats

Almost muted.

Heart brims over

With know not what;

Nor wish to know

Why or why not.

Just to know or feel

as a touch of breeze;

just to know or sense

a tangible presence...

Damn!!

Miss you!

tumbling thoughts

what is it that I regret,
what did I actually expect.
what is it that I earn for,
but even now dare not implore...

you remember, when memories are lost;
or when one is outside your thoughts.
but, the essence very much there, fermenting
the oneness and warmth still haunting.

the same ole crap, 'soulmate',
mustve seemed too chaste.
a soul akin, a mate truly dear
sadly, couldnt last or endure.

while I stand alone by the sea shore,
hurt and dulled by the thud of the door;
the waves seem to gently remind,
some things in life do not rewind.

Watched a series of movies. Sometimes wonder is it only we who watch so much?? i mean is it not meant to dwindle with age, this 'passion' for watching the flicks?? Anyhow its been more of hindi this time and ofcourse one english going by a suggestion from a fellow blogger!
Rocket Singh, 3 Idiots, and a slightly older one, Wake up Sid. Funniest thing being liked all three. Dint go all ga-ga over any of them, but still, cmon they were highly watchable. Ofcourse pick up stuff, ony with a slight indication of 'its got something different factor'. Well the expectations didnt go awry. And yes found out that Ranbir Kapoor has this cool demeanour, or rather his acting 'style' is sort of underplayed, a thing which you find hard to find in bollywood. He is cool about the entire process, and mebe some would feel he hardly 'acts'!! Well, each to his/her own. None of the above movies had anything serious or very touching (though had miniscule parts), all light movies, but still would like to think Bollywood has come a long way, able to come up with refreshing creations not always throwing the obvious on your face, with the glare and blare and contrived characters and scenes! Phew, were almost done with those!
Seven pounds was an entirely different genre. It was a very intense movie, a bit slow but reaches to you in an instant, grips you and makes you wring, cringe, weep and sigh. Sort of haunts you for a while.
More like a book, and led me to think that a good movie or its termed as good by self, when you are left with a feeling of having read a good book,- the characters live, events all most real, and when it somehow finds its way into your inner self and moves or rather stirs up your dormant emotions!
And as these two have featured, wouldnt want to leave 'music' far behind! Recently got hold of a online radio station, and was like getting back to my first love!! :)
Resolution has been to try and be more organized!! Plan out more, phase out more and do more. Well, lets see how it goes...